There comes a time in a young mans life when he reaches that golden age where he can watch infomercials at 3 in the morning and actually buy that kitchen knife that can cut through a Ford Explorer. I have reached that age. As my first act of being a man I will now eat an oak tree while devoting at least four hours of my time watching other people play sports. Those two sentences aside, another year has piled onto the eternity that Bridget and I share, and next year at this time we would have already started our life together without 3,000 miles between us. I am currently at the happiest point of my life thus far, and it is all thanks to her. Yesterday I got a package in the mail from Bridget for my birthday, which she never ceases to surprise me. I got some clothes including a Simpson’s t-shirt that glows in the dark, which I am having way too much fun turning the lights out, a Blind Melon album and DVD, and of course usual birthday stuff like cards and balloons. Today I had to present my Senior Project, which I used the Workcamp I went to in 2003, so I’m glad I finally got that over with. Other than that, my days have been consisting of talking to Bridget and occasionally hanging out with a few people. There’s one down side to me turning 18 though, and that is that child labor laws don’t apply to me anymore so of course I’m working nine hours on Sunday. It’s alright though, considering I need to save as much money as I can right now in order to move out to California smoothly. I’m really glad to be taking Commercial Art because I can really see an improvement in how I even approach art. While in class today I wrote a song about my life up to this point, appropriately titled “Looking Back”. I’m really happy about how the song is turning out, especially the guitar part considering I wrote it while talking to Bridget on the phone. I’ll close this entry with the lyrics as they stand right now.

I drove on many roads, but not as much as I’ve walked. I seen a million faces and they all wanted to talk. If I look into the mirror to see my red, dilated, eyes, I could seriously convince myself that all those talks were just lies. Holy ghosts visited me and tried to turn my head. Looking back I realize how much of a fool I have been. I should have listened to that part where all love is not a lie, but as I said I was young and naïve and those paths guide me to die. Now I see what’s in front of me. I’ve worn more masks than my ancestors beating on their tribal drums, but since I learned to grow some skin I think that all is done. I’ve been waiting my whole life to do this and I think I’ll go crazy if I cease to inhale my music from the point my life has brought me.

Blind Melon - Nico:
Soul One

It really has been sinking in as of late how now is the time of crossing over from depending to being my own dependent that I’ve been dreading since basically when I started going to formal education. Everyone is paving their own paths, or lack thereof, setting the premise for their entire adult life, or at least the beginning of it. I’m extremely fortunate to be placed in the position that I am to have both definite security and definite happiness, but it is still rather depressing to think that I probably bumped into someone in the hallway that will windup homeless, or worse, because of how the supposed real world creeps up sometimes.

Other than getting high off of fixative and permanent markers, I’ve been doing some artwork at the CTC. Here’s a drawing I did of Jimmy Page, basically to prove to myself that I can do something realistic if I really wanted to.

Here’s a drawling I did today of Bridget, which is probably the most real to life portrait I could hope to do of her considering nothing could ever duplicate something so perfect.

Since I haven’t posted any of my songs in quite some time here’s one I wrote last week, with the help of my significant other, titled “My State Of Mind”.

I’m feeling sick, I’m feeling sore. My emotions always take me but I never know how far. Fuck it, that is a lie. I’m happy. My head’s in the cloud of nine. Let me be real, let me be bold. My emotions always drag me down that rabbit hole. Fuck it, that is a lie. I’m happy. My head’s in the cloud of nine. I got these tears to dry so I can quit. The sun won’t rise so god just help out a little bit. All these unanswered requests just make me sick. Maybe god always dies just before he begins. But then again, the moon is always brightest when the sun is dim. The stars are always swarming around in my head, serenading this strong feeling within. I’ll see the sun again as the Earth continues to spin. My state of mind is the place to be where creation roams free and fruits of peace sprout from trees. I lean in the breeze and float over the seas with the greatest of ease. This is what I please.

Modest Mouse - Good News For People Who Love Bad News:
Bukowski

It seems plans have changed, which I’m having a hard time convincing myself that it’s for the better, in regards to me getting out of Pennsylvania and into California with Bridget. Since both Bridget and I have parental issues with money, we’ll both have to basically pull our own weight in this. With the hours I’d be working cut drastically due to the fact that school started up now, and Bridget looking for a job that doesn’t demand too much of her considering she has to finish schooling herself and work on getting her license, money is tight. The idea is that I go out to California at the end of October/beginning of November, pay for Bridget to come out here for a couple weeks surrounding Valentines Day, then Bridget will fly out here for my prom and graduation from mid May to mid June where I’ll be going back with her to stay, all the trips taking a portion of my belongings. All the money needed for the flights, which is less than the amount of money it would take to pay the cost of carrying all the extra baggage I would need to bring for one flight, will be earned by the appropriate times. To have money to fallback on and get ourselves on our feet when I move out there is cutting it rather close. The best case scenario is that I’d be in California by the beginning of 2005, which is four months before May, but the only thing is that it might not work out that way considering we can’t really rely on something that shaky considering how much money is involved until we’re closer to the dates. Also I am taking this class at the Career and Technology Center for Commercial Art, which will really help me in finding a career in art, along side of the fact that my family wants to go to my graduation. I’d say fuck it all right now, but with the way the world is right now it would really be wise for me to finish high school. I could take school out there and just give up CTC and tell my family they’ve seen enough of me already, which I want to do, but leaving four months up in the air seems to be more practical at this point considering everything. Secure money to start off with and the CTC seem like too big of decisions regarding our future to not consider. I love Bridget endlessly, as she loves me just the same. Every second together in any way is pure bliss and beyond, but we have at lot to consider and four months longer away from our adult future is unfortunately something we have to be prepared for. Bridget and I have some time to think about everything, and not much about it is final yet, but all I know is that Bridget is my life and will continue to be so beyond any span of circumstance. Bridget, our life together in every possible sense is in sight, and I’ve never been happier.

Monday was my first day of my senior year in high school. Usually I wake up on the first day of school feeling extremely bummed out, but considering the fact that this is my last year of high school I find it a little bit easier to stomach. Also, with the exception of an English class all years are required to take and a math class I need to take since I basically spent my math period in 10^th grade sleeping, I will be having an art class all day. People keep saying that true artists don’t like math, so I take it as a compliment. As I mentioned before, I will be taking Commercial Art at the CTC, which is basically a tech school alternative to regular high school. Although I’ve went to public school all my life, I can say I’ve experienced catholic school since we’re required to wear a uniform at the CTC. Actually it’s more like a navy blue shirt with the CTC logo on it, but it’s the thought that counts. I could wear a chicken suit for all I care though, just as long as they keep selling pizza burgers in the cafeteria.

Pink Floyd - Dark Side Of The Moon:
Time